Author: Jay Lehman

As we continue our conversation from Ephesians chapter 4 about putting on the new self, we come to this admonition, “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption” (Eph 4:30).  How do we bring grief to the Holy Spirit?

In the context of Ephesians chapter 4, I think one of the primary ways we grieve the Holy Spirit is to not believe all that Scripture teaches about His presence and work in our lives.  Or to press a little deeper, maybe it is not so much about what we say we believe, but rather do we live like He is an active presence inside you and me?  Do we live like we believe it?

God has promised incredible power and peace in our lives through the Holy Spirit’s indwelling.  When we fail to believe or act on these promises, we bring grief to the God that lives inside.

“Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out saying, ‘If any man is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink.  He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, “From his innermost being shall flow rivers of living water.” ‘  But this He spoke of the Spirit, whom those who believed in Him were to receive; for the Spirit was not yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified” (Jn 7:37-39).

In this passage, the Holy Spirit within is described as a river (Greek word POTAMOS; translated flood, torrent, or river).  Figuratively speaking, the Holy Spirit within you and me is likened to a powerful river anxious to break free and flood our lives.  But all too often, we put flow-restrictors in the Spirit’s path.

Remember back to the seventies and the first efforts at conserving energy, water, etc?  All the apartment building superintendents installed flow-restrictors in the shower heads to conserve water.  As the white knight in my new marriage, I took it upon myself to remove the flow-restrictors at every opportunity to provide us the shower of power we enjoyed.

What about the flow of the Spirit in your life?  Have we put flow-restrictors in the Spirit’s path?  Coming full circle to how we grieve the Holy Spirit, I think unbelief is the number one flow restrictor we allow, and it slows down the Spirit’s power.

Unbelief is a huge issue to God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.  Unbelief is what kept the children of Israel out of the promised land.  “And so we see that they [the children of Israel] were not able to enter [the promised land] because of unbelief” (Heb 4:19).

The author of the book of Hebrews goes on to explain how unbelief keeps the present-day believer away from God’s rest; the peace and power given us through His Spirit.  Faith, on the other hand, brings us into the promised land of power and freedom that comes through the Spirit.  This is the promise.  Believe it and act upon it; and you will bring joy, not grief, to the Holy Spirit.

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear” Eph 4:29.  Words that edify, words that build up are words that “meet the need of the moment”.  And words that meet the need of the moment are words that deliver “grace to those who hear”.

We often think of grace as a theological concept or only related to salvation.  But grace is a practice and a way of life.  We all face crossroads in our interaction with each other where we have a choice to make.  Are we going to offer grace or deliver condemnation?  Are we going to speak words of life or words of death?

Jesus came to earth “full of grace and truth” (Jn 1:14).  Jesus personified grace.  Jesus exemplified grace in practice.  And one of the ways Jesus delivered grace was through His words of life.  In John chapter 6, Peter affirms that Jesus has the words of life.  And I believe these words were not just words of eternal life; but words of affirming life as well.

When we speak to our spouse, our children, our friends; do we extend words of life or death?  Do we give life to someone’s thoughts?  Do we give life to someone’s feelings?  Do we give life to someone’s dreams?

Or do we deliver death to a dream (“that will never happen”), or death to a thought (“you are wrong in thinking that”), or death to a feeling (“you shouldn’t feel that way”)?  Words that extend grace and meet the need of the moment are life-affirming, relationship-affirming, and value-affirming.

Does that mean our words are always rosy?  Does that mean we never use words of correction or disagreement?  Not at all.  Words that graciously meet the need of the moment can be just that; words of correction or disagreement.

What makes these words gracious is how we communicate them.  It means correcting our children in ways that demonstrate respect rather than shame.  When we correct our kids, we need to always make clear, “You have made a mistake.”  But we never say or imply, “you ARE a mistake.”  We can say, “You have done something wrong.”  But never, “you ARE something wrong.”

With our spouse, it means disagreeing in ways that demonstrate respect not dismissiveness.  It means communicating in ways that seek to understand each other’s view.  Early in our marriage, my communication style was more about convincing Rhonda that I was right rather than understanding her thoughts.  By God’s grace, Rhonda and I are moving forward in hearing each other.  And it makes our words life-affirming even in the hard discussions.

The choice is in your hands.  Words that affirm, edify, and build up or words that harm, squash, and destroy.  The decision is up to you.

As we all know, the words we use carry enormous power; for good or for evil.  And it is the topic of our next verse.  “Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear” Eph 4:29.

The word translated “unwholesome” here literally means “rotten”.  Speaking words that are rotten is speaking words that bring death, not life, to a given situation.  Rotten words bring discouragement, not joy to a spouse, child, or friend.  Speaking words that are rotten bring shame and insult instead of respect and appreciation to those under our influence.

Our five children are all grown and married.  Some of them now have children of their own.  They live all over the country from Colorado Springs to Boston to Houston to Dallas to Aledo, Texas.  I point this out because even at these great distances, they are a very loyal company of brothers and sisters.  And I trace that loyalty straight back to their mom.

When our children were growing up, Rhonda had – and still has – an incredible instinct for seeing the road ahead.  And one of the insights she zeroed in on was that sibling rivalry would be a killer to the family loyalty we sought to develop.  So we worked on a plan to minimize sibling rivalry.  Our goal was to go beyond just teaching our kids to “get along”.  We wanted to stretch them to the next level of actually enjoying and being an encouragement to each other.

At the heart of this effort were the words Rhonda taught our children to use in their everyday interactions with each other.  They simply were not allowed to use words of insult, words of hate, words that were dismissive, or words of oppression over each other.

The reward for this focus has been a loyal and connected family even into our kid’s adult years.  The brothers and sisters truly love each other.  Even with their new locations and varying family needs and situations, they miss each other when one is away from a gathering.  We humbly recognize that this loyalty, and unity, and love is a clear gift from God.  But as parents who lead, God uses our efforts to contribute to the outcome.

Now all of this focus and instruction on how our kids were allowed to talk to each other would have fallen on deaf ears if Rhonda and I did not practice what we preached.  We were careful in our own words to be affirming and life-giving.  Rhonda in particular as the one at home was such an influence  with her words.  And these words of edification did not go unnoticed by our kids.

Recently two of our children were at Annie’s house in Aledo for a random visit.  They sent their mom a selfie of the three of them with big smiles on their faces.  The accompanying text was a thank you for something specific that Rhonda had taught them growing up.  For them to take the time to acknowledge Rhonda’s gift to them from years ago was a beautiful reward for her earlier investment in them.

Now, there were times when Rhonda or I chose hurtful words in anger.  When we did, we admitted it and expressed apologies to each other or to our children.  The offense was talked about and forgiven.  Even this was part of teaching our kids that our words matter.

We have just scratched the surface of the power and joy hidden in the words of this verse about our speech.  We will explore some other aspects of words that edify next time.

The next topic that Paul addresses in what the new nature looks like is stealing, working, and sharing.  “Let him who steals steal no longer; but rather let him labor, performing with his own hands what is good, in order that he may have something to share with him who has need” (Eph 4:28).

Paul is very blunt in his instruction here at the start of this verse.  If stealing has been a challenge for you, stop doing it.  Even though we know that spiritual growth is a process, it is interesting to me that Paul does not give a multi-step approach to stopping stealing.  Paul does not advocate a regimen of psychoanalysis to get at the root of your stealing problem.  Like lying (Eph 4:25) and anger (Eph 4:26) before it, he simply says to lay it aside.

Again, growing to spiritual maturity is a process.  But if we ignore all the “new” that changed inside us at our conversion, we can suppress some immediate help.  If we do not understand and acknowledge and tap into our “new creation”, the process becomes a slog, or a drudgery, or a self-effort exercise in sin management.  It is characterized by success and failure; pride and shame.

Yes, our human condition and frailty did not undergo a complete makeover at our salvation.  We still have our temptation and sin challenges.  But something inside you, something that accelerates your spiritual growth, DID CHANGE.  All these new accelerants:  Christ in you, the Holy Spirit inside, your new self with its new nature, the Word literally implanted in you, are available to help us “override” as it were our human condition and propensities.

I think Paul can be this direct about stopping these sins in their tracks because he is speaking in the context of putting on the new self with its new nature.  Paul is pointing out that stealing is foreign to who you now are.  Stealing does not fit who you are in Christ; it does not fit your new righteous nature.  Stealing is a sin.  Stealing is wrong.  So in keeping with your new identity in Christ, stop doing it.

Now Paul does not just leave us hanging with a call to stop stealing.  He adds a positive motivation to stop stealing.  He turns a positive corner and instructs us where to go instead of stealing.  Go to work.  Acquire the things you need and desire by earning it, not stealing it.

Work and the need to work to care for ourselves and our families is not a curse.  Work is a blessing.  It is a blessed opportunity not just to provide for our own needs, but as Paul continues in the verse, to provide for the needs of others as well.

Have you ever thought about this as a motivation to go to work?  Have you ever identified the ability to serve others through what you earn as a motivation to excel on your job?  This is something that is very personal to me and something I have considered often.  We will expand on this idea next post.