Authority and Friendship

Grace based parenting is about finding the balance between love and control, celebration and responsibility, relationship and instruction, truth and grace.  It is about developing a well-rounded relationship with your children as both their authority figure and their friend.  It strikes a balance between well-meaning, but old covenant, advice that emphasizes your authority role at the expense of any friendship expectation and the experience of parents who error in the other direction.  These parents, desiring a friendship relationship with their children, have abdicated their authority and, not wanting to rock the boat, have lowered the standards at home driven by the desire to fit in better with the world.

God has given us a beautiful picture of an authority and friend relationship in none other than our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  Jesus said to His disciples in the upper room, “No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things I have heard from My Father I have made known to you” (Jn 15:15).  Did you catch that?  Jesus Christ, Lord and Master, is calling you His friend if indeed you are a disciple, a Christ follower.

We imitate Christ when we parent with a balance of authority and friendship.  Somehow, Christ is my Master and Friend at the same time.  In the same way, you can lead your family from a combination of authority and friendship.

In To Love as God Loves, Roberta Bondi identifies a three step process whereby the early church learned obedience to Christ.  Step one is obeying Christ as a slave out of fear.  Step two is obeying Christ as a hired hand to receive a payment (reward).  Step three, as we progress in Christian maturity, is obeying Christ as a friend in a love relationship such that we want to please Him in all things.

Our parenting follows a similar pattern.  In the early years, we teach our children to obey out of fear of discipline.  As they grow older, we turn more to rewards to motivate good behavior and leave physical discipline behind.  Finally, if we have developed a relationship along the way, we expect obedience based on our love relationship as we approach the teenage years.  I had the joy of being raised in this kind of home and have the distinct memory of staying on the straight and narrow in my young adult years out of a desire to not disappoint my parents.  I gradually transferred my love relationship allegiance to my Master and Friend; Jesus Christ.

Parenting.  It’s all about balance.  Not just because I have seen it work, but because I believe bringing a new balance to all of life is one of the million beautiful things that happened to us when Jesus rescued us.  Praise to our Lord, Savior, and Friend; Jesus Christ.

New Identity Parenting

When we have been captured by the message of our supernatural identity in Christ, it will have a dramatic effect on our parenting.  What we bring to the parenting equation in our natural man is a volatile mixture of sin (a self focus), nurture (possible negative influences in how we were raised), and nature (our personalities, natural bent, etc).  These influences generally steer us toward extremes of legalism or license in our parenting.  Extremes of discipline or permissiveness.  When the gospel of Jesus Christ comes into our lives, rather than adding something good to our volatile combination, Christ redeems the mixture and creates something brand new.

What this something new looks like in your family is called grace.  It is grace based living.  It is grace based parenting.  Parenting with grace is not another to-do list.  It is a mindset.  A renewed mindset.  It is a thought process where we approach parenting with a godly, thought-through plan.  By thinking ahead as a couple, we are prepared for challenges and respond with grace rather than our knee-jerk natural reaction.  Parenting with grace is unnatural (it’s supernatural, really) so it must be deliberate.  It is out of step with our culture so we must be prepared to go against the flow.  It is following Christ as a couple and having the natural consequences of that discipleship spill over into our parenting.  It is bringing our children along in the adventure of faith.

David and Bill

Earlier this week, pastor David Wilkerson passed away as the result of a car accident near Tyler, Texas.  He was 79 years old.  David Wilkerson was a pastor in rural Pennsylvania in 1958 when he followed God’s call to start a street ministry among drug addicts and gang members in New York City.  He wrote about the experience in The Cross and the Switchblade which was a best seller in the 1960’s.  Soon after, Wilkerson founded Teen Challenge, a Christian addiction recovery program which now has centers around the world.

In the early 1980’s, I had the privilege of meeting several Teen Challenge “participants” at a banquet in Anchorage, Alaska.  I also met Bill.  Bill was an evangelist whose parish was the seedy 4th Avenue section of downtown Anchorage.  Here Bill shared the gospel message and brought rescue to a number of teenagers who had lost their way and pointed them on the right path through their subsequent entrance into life at the Teen Challenge facility.

I was struck at the time and still am all these years later by Bill’s humility.  He tried to deflect the attention that came his way at the banquet as teenager after teenager personally thanked Bill for their rescue and recovery.  I don’t even know Bill’s last name.  I don’t know if it was ever mentioned.  But God knows, and based on my limited understanding of God’s reward system, I believe Bill and a million “Bills” like him will be the surprise of heaven when their obscure, but life-changing, work will finally be revealed.

The legacy of David Wilkerson will live on, not only at Times Square Church which he founded, but also through Teen Challenge and its related ministries.  And so will the legacy of Bill, the obscure evangelist, in the young people God touched through his ministry.  Your work in God’s kingdom may be more similar to Bill’s than the national platform that God placed in front of David Wilkerson.  Whatever our circle of influence, may our part be characterized by a consistent response to follow God’s call.  You do have a platform.  And you may have no idea of its extent.  I doubt Bill, the Alaskan evangelist, knows the lasting impression and encouragement he gave to a lowly Texas geophysicist.

Being There

You have probably heard it said, “You can accomplish a lot in life by just showing up.”  Now this isn’t an excuse for mediocrity once you arrive, but it does contain an element of truth.  Especially when it comes to parenting.

The number one rule for creating the home that you have always wanted is “being there.”  It starts right here and is just that simple.  When that first bundle of joy arrived, you couldn’t think of ever not being there.  But life changes.  A temporary busy stretch at work becomes semi-permanent.  Your child’s strong will, a natural bent he was born with, feels like a reflection of your parenting quality and you lose confidence.  Selfish ambition begins to compete with your at home responsibilities.  Soon your lofty parenting goals are being swallowed up by fatigue and time pressure.  What are Mom and Dad to do?

Checking out, which unfortunately is not that uncommon of a reaction, is not an option.  Did you hear me?  Not an option.  So if we are going to see this parenting task through to completion, where do we begin?  First, if the downward path described above is your current experience, start by sticking your foot out and slow down the merry-go-round.  Remember that rotating playground apparatus we pushed each other around on as kids; hoping to go fast enough that our compatriots lost their grip while we held on for dear life?  If you picture your life spinning out of control, as ours has been from time to time, then you can see the need to put your foot in the dirt and slow it down just like we did on the playground.

Don’t know if you have what it takes to slow it down?  I know you do.  Because you are a parent.  You are in charge.  You are driving the bus and I am confident that you have what it takes to throw it into a lower gear if you are serious about the task at hand.  Always beware of allowing what started as a temporary time of busyness or stress to become a permanent situation.

If you have somehow let the “being there” in your kid’s lives get away from you, it is never too late to get it back.  Commit as a couple to a child focus in your home while the children are young.  Other things may have to just wait for another stage of life.  I did not say “child-centered.”  There is an important difference.  But “child-focused” is altogether appropriate while your kids are still at home.  My friend, Greg Despres, likes to remind parents, “Children of all ages spell love:  T-I-M-E.”  I wholeheartedly agree.  Being there.  It’s step one.  You can’t parent from the bottom of the stairs.

The Happy Dinosaur

Several years ago, while attending the Society of Exploration Geophysicists Annual Meeting, I had an opportunity to catch up with an old friend I had worked with in Alaska.  We hadn’t made a connection in quite some time, but Dean is the kind of friend you can easily pick up the conversation with no matter how long it’s been between visits.  This salt-of-the-earth fellow shocked me when he announced that he was divorced and remarried since we talked last.  As we compared notes about other co-workers from our Alaska days, Dean observed, “I think you are the only one who is still married to his first wife.  How does it feel to be a dinosaur?”  I wasn’t sure what to say.  I didn’t want to make light of his situation and the pain involved, but all I could say was the first honest thought that came to my mind, “It feels good.”

Yes, it feels good.  It feels good to keep your promise.  Again, not to ignore or minimize the circumstances and pain of divorce, but it feels good to be a dinosaur, if that is what keeping your promise is called.  I am also probably the happiest dinosaur you know.  But the happy part is a long story for another time.

A promise is a powerful thing.  I hate to break a promise.  I have and it hurts.  Why is breaking a promise so painful?  As Michael Card observes in his book Immanuel:  Reflections on the Life of Christ, when you make a promise you give away a part of yourself.  Something as simple as “I’ll be there at 3 o’clock to pick you up” gives a part of yourself to another person.  And something as serious as “I promise to love you for the rest of our lives” gives yourself completely to another person.  That is why divorce is so painful.  In marriage, you are giving yourself to another person.  In divorce, you have lost something you will never get back.  You have lost a part of yourself.  God’s intention in marriage is to give yourselves away to each other and to never get it back.  May I encourage you?  Keep your promise.